Soulmates.Yeah.

My Soulmate Sells Kumquats

THE SCENE: 11 p.m. on a Thursday. I`m eating noodles at a Korean outlet with L., an attractive 20-something professional. I`ve known her for five days

ME:Good noodles.
SHE:So, do you believe in "soulmates"?
ME:[choking] Uh...yes...no...maybe.
SHE:I believe in soulmates. I believe there`s someone out there for everyone. What do you think?
ME:Well...I think there`s absolutely no Cosmic Guarantee that there`s anyone on this planet with whom I`m destined to have a meaningful, entertaining, and durable relationship. And even if there is, with my luck she probably lives in Jakarta.
SHE:That`s...interesting.
ME:She lives in Jakarta and sells kumquats from a cart. She speaks three languages, none of them being English. But somehow, it`s been supernaturally ordained that she`s "The One."
SHE:So how do you decide who you want to date?
ME:I just play it by ear. The soulmate thing is too much to shoot for. For instance, I asked you on a date because...well, because you`re pretty and we smoke the same cigarettes. Figured I`d just, you know, see where it went.
SHE:Huh. I`m gonna get some more noodles. [gets up]

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I don`t know where people get this idea that there`s "somebody special" out there for everyone. "Oh, it`s fated," people say.

Lemme tell you a little something--God, Allah, Fate, or whoever`s up there for you--these are busy people. They`re dealing with things like floods, earthquakes, and world peace--they`ve got better things to do than sit around and map your romantic future. If God`s got a Palm Pilot, you can be damn sure "Hook Peter up with Jenny" isn`t on his To Do list today.

How could such a thing as "soulmates" be possible, when people are constantly changing and evolving? Are you the exact same person you were one year ago? I mean, this ain`t like back in the day, 700 years ago, when you were born a farmer and stayed a farmer.

In the year 2004, people are constantly reinventing themselves. People adapt to new situations, personalities change over the years. I`ve seen people changed by money, changed by careers, changed by drugs. Seen straight folk gone gay.

Bad news: People are unpredictable, quirky little organisms, and there is no cosmic guarantee that your perfect match is out there. And even if there was, look, there are over 2.5 billion people of the opposite sex on this planet; the odds of you finding her are 2.5-billion-to-1. (Bad news if you`re bisexual: you`ve got 5-billion-to-1 odds.)

And people fall in and out of love. If you`re lucky, when the music stops you`ll be in a good relationship with someone you care for, understand, and have really good sex with. If you`re unlucky, when the music stops you`ll own lots of cats, several of whom you`ll actually argue with.

I think it`s more realistic to just start with someone you`ve got some basic commonalities with, someone with whom you have a mutual attraction. If you like each other enough, if the energy is right, then hopefully you`ll get that little feeling in your chest, that feeling that makes everything OK when she keeps you waiting for an hour or throws up in your car. If the vibe is right, you`ll make your best efforts to make it work, and compensate for all surmountable incompatibilities.

In the absence of Fated Soulmates, I think we owe it to ourselves to have as many moments, as many connections, as possible. The globe keeps spinning with or without you; you might as well be having fun.